As I promised. I will write part 2 of the this blog post.
The Bestfriend Story.
I fell in love with a very close guy friend in highschool. We became even best of friends. Ewan ko...tingin ko naman sa kanya noon best friend talaga. Ewan ko lang sa kanya. Hehe.
I got all the first attention from him that I really long for dun sa aking 2-year crush na guy. Heto kasi...kaibigan ko talaga. We are close dahil na rin sa personality nya. We bond, magkasama kami, nag-uusap, we interact. Siguro ito yung first time kong ma-experience na mabigyan ako ng atensyon ng isang guy. I mean he is the first very close guy friend I had. Medyo na-cherish ko yun. Natuwa ako talaga ako. At siyempre dahil hayskul...with all the first time experience at pagpapantasya ay nagustuhan ko si bestfriend noon.
Pero siyempre...my personality...ano pa nga ba? Eh di tinago ang nararamdaman ko. Katulad ng mga ordinary hayskul girls...hindi ko alam kung paano iha-handle ang mga ganitong cases. Dahil hindi naman ako madalas magkuwento nga noon ng emotions ko noon. Natakot ako noon na kapag nalaman nya, all of the attention will vanished. Mawawala lahat yung mga moments na nagbibigay saya sa akin. I was inspired once more to study...to dream and to wish for that happy ending. Pero just like a young love story....hindi maganda ang ending ng istorya. It leads to a very drastic change on my part. It affects my whole character. Na dala ko hanggang ngayon.
Teka, gusto ko lang linawin na hindi rin nalalaman ng ilang barkada ko ang istoryang ito ng aking life. At kung mababasa nila ito..may may konting shockness silang maramdaman. Magtatampo rin sila siguro dahil hindi ko ito talaga nakuwento. Kung mababasa nila ito...i think they will know it na.... for the first time siguro...hehe. Gusto ko lang magpasintabi rin sa kanyang current gf na super close friend at barkada ko. I am writing this part of the story for the purpose of this article.They are happy right now. And my best friend and I are still best of friends. We managed to rebuild it back. Sa maniwala kayo at sa hindi...haha. What happened then? Heto yun.
Dahil teenager, at dala na rin kababasa ng mga walang kwents na pocketbooks...umasa ako na magugustuhan siyempre. Pero maraming complications noon. Like iba gusto nya...ay marami pala syang nagugustuhan noon. haha. He confessed that to me that he is going to love only one girl...(sya yung current gf nya ngayon). To make the long story, hindi nya ako nagustuhan. Iniwasan nya ako nung malaman nya na gusto ko sya. Devastating talaga. According to him (we talk about this already and we just make fun of this...natatawa na kami pag naalala namin. ngayon ko na lang ito natanong sa kanya), na-shock sya nung nalaman nya. And like an ordinary young guy na na-confused...ang tanging naging reaction na lang nya eh ay ang iwasan ako. And that was the hardest part for me. Pangalawang heartbreak ba naman eh. Magkasunod pa. Anak talaga ng teteng di ba? Haha. Parang hindi ko na kakayanin.
But mygosh siyempre, pag bata ka, hope doesn't go easily. Inisip ko noon, may hope dahil naging friends kami. We really did share something. I cling to that hope. Still wala pa rin masyadong nakakaalam ng mga pinagagawa ko sa aking katangahang love life. Sinarili ko ulit. Goodluck. Siyempre, hindi ko kinayanan. And here's the devastating effect. What happened?
Hating Men
I began to hate men on my early 2nd year in college. Grabeh...saksi pa rin ang aking "Dear Diary" sa aking walang patumanggang pag-asa, rants, prayers para magkatotoo ang gusto kong mangyari. But maybe God really knows the best for me Tapos naubos na ako. Naubos na pag-asa ko. Nasa-id na lahat. I feel so alone that time. Dalawang magkasunod na major heartbreak parang feeling ko kailangan ko ng magpalit ng puso talaga. Grabe wasak na talaga ako noon.
But I remain to be strong because I chose to.
I still remember to this day kung saan ko binanggit ang mga salitang sumusuko na ako dahil hindi ko na kaya ang sakit. Nasa Main library ako noon sa Reference section ng UPLB. Umiiyak ako noon na kunwaring nag-aaral. Oo...ang mga lugar katulad ng library, dun ako madalas na umiyak. Bukod siyempre sa kuwarto namin. Tahimik lang...ayoko na may makarinig eh.
I never show I'm weak to my family. Ok lang ako. Yun ang parati nilang nakikita sa akin. They have enough to worry about me. And so ni-bear ko lang...kaya ko ito...kaya ko...yun ang sinasabi ko sa sarili ko.
All I just wanted is to be happy. And by that time, happiness for me is kahit makabalik lang yung friendship namin.Pero bakit hindi mangyari yun. Yun talaga yung ultimate question on earth para sa akin? And then nalaman ko noon, na he got his new girl. Yun na ang pinakanaging-turning point ng life ko...embracing the change...pero this time...clouded with anger, false hopes at konting revenge.
Hindi ko maalala na sinisi ko ang Diyos. Ang naalala ko...sinisi ko ang lahat ng lalaki sa mundo. Naisip ko noon, lahat sila andyan para saktan ako. Na walang magtatanggol ng sarili ko kundi ako lang. At para maiwasan ang further heartaches, kailangan iwasan ko ang lahat ng lahi nila. Naisip ko noon na kinakaibigan ka nila para paasahin ka nila. And all their end goal is to hurt you.
Nakakatakot no? Yeah. But these are my thoughts about men way back then in college. I did hate them. Hate what their doing with women. I vow since then not to fall in any of their tricks. That I should be careful. That I need to protect myself from them. I created a wall for myself to limit the friendships I am making with them. Trust only carefully selected men. I hide myself again. I remind myself "Carefully select only worthy to be trusted men". I just can't trust
ordinary men. Dapat they should have something extraordinary. Kaibigan ko pa rin sila. Pero noon, nagkaroon na ako ng levelling. Haay. Ayun..from then, I am a certified man-hater.
And ang ending, wala akong naging boyfriend nung college dahil sa kakaiwas at pagiging paranoid. Inisip ko noon, I cant bear another pain again. Ayoko na. Period. That was the message na halos pinagsisigawan ko noon. Ang end result, no one came to pursue me. May nagpacute, may nagka-crush, may isang naglakas loob na nagpursue. Pero parang isa akong babae noon na naglalakad na may sign board na dala. Sa sign board nakasulat. "DANGER! High voltage area."
Healing
That was the dark ages before. God heed my prayers. And ngayon mas naniniwala ako na He can bring out the best even from the bad situations. And that happened to me.
I met a girl bestfriend. Finally, I was able to share all the heartaches, all my pains and through her, God healed me. I was able to find healing thru her by actually revealing all of me to her. Sinabi ko lahat. Na-share ko na sa wakas. I felt open. I felt free. Mabait talaga ang Diyos.
And I met a Christian friend who introduced me to my faith right now. And healing comes more...plus with fellowship group I am attending to, Healing comes full force. They explained me things. Kahit sarado ang utak ko noon. Hindi naging madali. Pero, like a lover who pursues to the one he loves, finally, their words touch me. Paunti-unti. Finally, I was open to a new view of love...I've seen love thru them. They love me unconditionally. And love heals me. :) And love takes a new form for me. It's Christ love thru my friends.
Fast Forward? What happened?
Hindi naging madali di ba sabi ko? Pero, thru my friends, somehow natauhan ako. I began to fall in love again...But this time, fear comes with it. Haay...natatakot ako. Pero, with God on my side...sige...nag-go ako.
Marami rin akong mga naging love interests, ung iba crushes lang talaga. After graduation, I have heart two guys. Hehe. Yung isa sa corporate at yung isa came from Singles for Christ. Medyo yung isa parang infantuation din lang (yung sa corporate guy). Medyo para talga kasing imposible. Haha. I heard he was married ung corporate guy. We are friends naman till now.
The SFC guy, of course tapos na rin ang phase ko sa kanya. But I admit na dahil sya ang last eh meron pa rin akong hang-over sa kanya. Medyo may pagkamalabo kasi talaga ang guy na ito. Sumuko na rin ako sa pag-asang liligawan nya ako. Close kasi kami until now and before I thought, I was special. But another girl came, his officemate, she bluntly likes him. They are of the same age. And she was aggresive, She expresses her feelings. The whole community knows about it....about them. They support it. At siyempre ano pa bang magagawa ko? Eh di wala. Tahimik lang naman ako eh. Pero hindi ako sumuko dahil doon.
Sumuko ako dahil, I can't stand the feeling of hoping for him. I know He is not ready. And even the girl, his officemate is floating. They are not official. The guy is quiet about them. Sometimes, he even denies it. Inisip ko paano kung ako yun. Haay naku. baka na-jombag ko sya. Hindi naman sya sobrang guwapo no. (hehe. joke. He is indeed a good looking guy) But he has the faith. That I have first love about him. I was attracted to him because He has that faith. Unexplainable, very admirable talaga. But maybe he is just enjoying his life with God. He is shaping him. Hindi pa talaga sya yun guy for me. I realized God wont send me na hindi ready. I have enough of waiting for that guy to came all of my life. Naman. Haha. Naisip ko ngayon, na pinagpipilitan ko lang sya na maging guy for me. He is a really a work in progress. We all are.
Ngayon talaga, na-accept ko na friends lang talaga kami.
By the way, this SFC guy and me are really good friends. Friends na naman? Yeah...haha. we are. Eh ayaw akong ligawan eh...anong gagawin ko? Haha. Wag pilitin ang ayaw. He lost me. And I will find someone better. That's life. I came to realize that lately. At kung kayo...magiging kayo. kung hindi, you are destined to find better person. Alright? Wag na kayo mangulit. Haha.
Today...
Last ICON in Cebu, I made a promise to God. That from then on....I will finally let him drive my life. And then His message to me was.
"You can't impose love. You can't control love. Let love find its way to you."
I realized that God allowed things to happen in my life because my God wants to realize the full power of love. It's mystery that no ever human being can ever fathom. Love has power. Love can move mountains. And all my life, I am longing to feel loved by that special someone. But God made me realize, this is not the only definition of it. Love comes in any form. In forgiveness, in trust, in hope, in faith. Love as Jesus wants for us to feel for Him is never aggresive. God never force us to love Him back because He wants us to decide for it first. For us to feel love for Him first. And that is love. Love is mysterious and has life on its own.
At dahil dun, God want me to just admire the feeling. To just be still and let go. And as he promised, love will find it's way to my heart. It already did. I'm happy now.
Wala pa rin akong boyfriend till now. I realized love is not all about it. I was secured again by the love of my God. And I know sooner if it His willing, He will send that special someone. In the best time and right He feels that both of us are ready.
I admit na napi-pressure na rin ako. Or nawawalan ako ng hope, or nagku-compare ako sa iba...But all these are erased when I was reminded of God's love for me. I know and I believe in my heart He will fulfill His promise. For now, I just have to enjoy every single days of my life...serving Him and knowing Him more.
Sooner I know... He will come. Love will find me and him. Soon. :)
-end-
The Bestfriend Story.
I fell in love with a very close guy friend in highschool. We became even best of friends. Ewan ko...tingin ko naman sa kanya noon best friend talaga. Ewan ko lang sa kanya. Hehe.
I got all the first attention from him that I really long for dun sa aking 2-year crush na guy. Heto kasi...kaibigan ko talaga. We are close dahil na rin sa personality nya. We bond, magkasama kami, nag-uusap, we interact. Siguro ito yung first time kong ma-experience na mabigyan ako ng atensyon ng isang guy. I mean he is the first very close guy friend I had. Medyo na-cherish ko yun. Natuwa ako talaga ako. At siyempre dahil hayskul...with all the first time experience at pagpapantasya ay nagustuhan ko si bestfriend noon.
Pero siyempre...my personality...ano pa nga ba? Eh di tinago ang nararamdaman ko. Katulad ng mga ordinary hayskul girls...hindi ko alam kung paano iha-handle ang mga ganitong cases. Dahil hindi naman ako madalas magkuwento nga noon ng emotions ko noon. Natakot ako noon na kapag nalaman nya, all of the attention will vanished. Mawawala lahat yung mga moments na nagbibigay saya sa akin. I was inspired once more to study...to dream and to wish for that happy ending. Pero just like a young love story....hindi maganda ang ending ng istorya. It leads to a very drastic change on my part. It affects my whole character. Na dala ko hanggang ngayon.
Teka, gusto ko lang linawin na hindi rin nalalaman ng ilang barkada ko ang istoryang ito ng aking life. At kung mababasa nila ito..may may konting shockness silang maramdaman. Magtatampo rin sila siguro dahil hindi ko ito talaga nakuwento. Kung mababasa nila ito...i think they will know it na.... for the first time siguro...hehe. Gusto ko lang magpasintabi rin sa kanyang current gf na super close friend at barkada ko. I am writing this part of the story for the purpose of this article.They are happy right now. And my best friend and I are still best of friends. We managed to rebuild it back. Sa maniwala kayo at sa hindi...haha. What happened then? Heto yun.
Dahil teenager, at dala na rin kababasa ng mga walang kwents na pocketbooks...umasa ako na magugustuhan siyempre. Pero maraming complications noon. Like iba gusto nya...ay marami pala syang nagugustuhan noon. haha. He confessed that to me that he is going to love only one girl...(sya yung current gf nya ngayon). To make the long story, hindi nya ako nagustuhan. Iniwasan nya ako nung malaman nya na gusto ko sya. Devastating talaga. According to him (we talk about this already and we just make fun of this...natatawa na kami pag naalala namin. ngayon ko na lang ito natanong sa kanya), na-shock sya nung nalaman nya. And like an ordinary young guy na na-confused...ang tanging naging reaction na lang nya eh ay ang iwasan ako. And that was the hardest part for me. Pangalawang heartbreak ba naman eh. Magkasunod pa. Anak talaga ng teteng di ba? Haha. Parang hindi ko na kakayanin.
But mygosh siyempre, pag bata ka, hope doesn't go easily. Inisip ko noon, may hope dahil naging friends kami. We really did share something. I cling to that hope. Still wala pa rin masyadong nakakaalam ng mga pinagagawa ko sa aking katangahang love life. Sinarili ko ulit. Goodluck. Siyempre, hindi ko kinayanan. And here's the devastating effect. What happened?
Hating Men
I began to hate men on my early 2nd year in college. Grabeh...saksi pa rin ang aking "Dear Diary" sa aking walang patumanggang pag-asa, rants, prayers para magkatotoo ang gusto kong mangyari. But maybe God really knows the best for me Tapos naubos na ako. Naubos na pag-asa ko. Nasa-id na lahat. I feel so alone that time. Dalawang magkasunod na major heartbreak parang feeling ko kailangan ko ng magpalit ng puso talaga. Grabe wasak na talaga ako noon.
But I remain to be strong because I chose to.
I still remember to this day kung saan ko binanggit ang mga salitang sumusuko na ako dahil hindi ko na kaya ang sakit. Nasa Main library ako noon sa Reference section ng UPLB. Umiiyak ako noon na kunwaring nag-aaral. Oo...ang mga lugar katulad ng library, dun ako madalas na umiyak. Bukod siyempre sa kuwarto namin. Tahimik lang...ayoko na may makarinig eh.
I never show I'm weak to my family. Ok lang ako. Yun ang parati nilang nakikita sa akin. They have enough to worry about me. And so ni-bear ko lang...kaya ko ito...kaya ko...yun ang sinasabi ko sa sarili ko.
All I just wanted is to be happy. And by that time, happiness for me is kahit makabalik lang yung friendship namin.Pero bakit hindi mangyari yun. Yun talaga yung ultimate question on earth para sa akin? And then nalaman ko noon, na he got his new girl. Yun na ang pinakanaging-turning point ng life ko...embracing the change...pero this time...clouded with anger, false hopes at konting revenge.
Hindi ko maalala na sinisi ko ang Diyos. Ang naalala ko...sinisi ko ang lahat ng lalaki sa mundo. Naisip ko noon, lahat sila andyan para saktan ako. Na walang magtatanggol ng sarili ko kundi ako lang. At para maiwasan ang further heartaches, kailangan iwasan ko ang lahat ng lahi nila. Naisip ko noon na kinakaibigan ka nila para paasahin ka nila. And all their end goal is to hurt you.
Nakakatakot no? Yeah. But these are my thoughts about men way back then in college. I did hate them. Hate what their doing with women. I vow since then not to fall in any of their tricks. That I should be careful. That I need to protect myself from them. I created a wall for myself to limit the friendships I am making with them. Trust only carefully selected men. I hide myself again. I remind myself "Carefully select only worthy to be trusted men". I just can't trust
ordinary men. Dapat they should have something extraordinary. Kaibigan ko pa rin sila. Pero noon, nagkaroon na ako ng levelling. Haay. Ayun..from then, I am a certified man-hater.
And ang ending, wala akong naging boyfriend nung college dahil sa kakaiwas at pagiging paranoid. Inisip ko noon, I cant bear another pain again. Ayoko na. Period. That was the message na halos pinagsisigawan ko noon. Ang end result, no one came to pursue me. May nagpacute, may nagka-crush, may isang naglakas loob na nagpursue. Pero parang isa akong babae noon na naglalakad na may sign board na dala. Sa sign board nakasulat. "DANGER! High voltage area."
Healing
That was the dark ages before. God heed my prayers. And ngayon mas naniniwala ako na He can bring out the best even from the bad situations. And that happened to me.
I met a girl bestfriend. Finally, I was able to share all the heartaches, all my pains and through her, God healed me. I was able to find healing thru her by actually revealing all of me to her. Sinabi ko lahat. Na-share ko na sa wakas. I felt open. I felt free. Mabait talaga ang Diyos.
And I met a Christian friend who introduced me to my faith right now. And healing comes more...plus with fellowship group I am attending to, Healing comes full force. They explained me things. Kahit sarado ang utak ko noon. Hindi naging madali. Pero, like a lover who pursues to the one he loves, finally, their words touch me. Paunti-unti. Finally, I was open to a new view of love...I've seen love thru them. They love me unconditionally. And love heals me. :) And love takes a new form for me. It's Christ love thru my friends.
Fast Forward? What happened?
Hindi naging madali di ba sabi ko? Pero, thru my friends, somehow natauhan ako. I began to fall in love again...But this time, fear comes with it. Haay...natatakot ako. Pero, with God on my side...sige...nag-go ako.
Marami rin akong mga naging love interests, ung iba crushes lang talaga. After graduation, I have heart two guys. Hehe. Yung isa sa corporate at yung isa came from Singles for Christ. Medyo yung isa parang infantuation din lang (yung sa corporate guy). Medyo para talga kasing imposible. Haha. I heard he was married ung corporate guy. We are friends naman till now.
The SFC guy, of course tapos na rin ang phase ko sa kanya. But I admit na dahil sya ang last eh meron pa rin akong hang-over sa kanya. Medyo may pagkamalabo kasi talaga ang guy na ito. Sumuko na rin ako sa pag-asang liligawan nya ako. Close kasi kami until now and before I thought, I was special. But another girl came, his officemate, she bluntly likes him. They are of the same age. And she was aggresive, She expresses her feelings. The whole community knows about it....about them. They support it. At siyempre ano pa bang magagawa ko? Eh di wala. Tahimik lang naman ako eh. Pero hindi ako sumuko dahil doon.
Sumuko ako dahil, I can't stand the feeling of hoping for him. I know He is not ready. And even the girl, his officemate is floating. They are not official. The guy is quiet about them. Sometimes, he even denies it. Inisip ko paano kung ako yun. Haay naku. baka na-jombag ko sya. Hindi naman sya sobrang guwapo no. (hehe. joke. He is indeed a good looking guy) But he has the faith. That I have first love about him. I was attracted to him because He has that faith. Unexplainable, very admirable talaga. But maybe he is just enjoying his life with God. He is shaping him. Hindi pa talaga sya yun guy for me. I realized God wont send me na hindi ready. I have enough of waiting for that guy to came all of my life. Naman. Haha. Naisip ko ngayon, na pinagpipilitan ko lang sya na maging guy for me. He is a really a work in progress. We all are.
Ngayon talaga, na-accept ko na friends lang talaga kami.
By the way, this SFC guy and me are really good friends. Friends na naman? Yeah...haha. we are. Eh ayaw akong ligawan eh...anong gagawin ko? Haha. Wag pilitin ang ayaw. He lost me. And I will find someone better. That's life. I came to realize that lately. At kung kayo...magiging kayo. kung hindi, you are destined to find better person. Alright? Wag na kayo mangulit. Haha.
Today...
Last ICON in Cebu, I made a promise to God. That from then on....I will finally let him drive my life. And then His message to me was.
"You can't impose love. You can't control love. Let love find its way to you."
I realized that God allowed things to happen in my life because my God wants to realize the full power of love. It's mystery that no ever human being can ever fathom. Love has power. Love can move mountains. And all my life, I am longing to feel loved by that special someone. But God made me realize, this is not the only definition of it. Love comes in any form. In forgiveness, in trust, in hope, in faith. Love as Jesus wants for us to feel for Him is never aggresive. God never force us to love Him back because He wants us to decide for it first. For us to feel love for Him first. And that is love. Love is mysterious and has life on its own.
At dahil dun, God want me to just admire the feeling. To just be still and let go. And as he promised, love will find it's way to my heart. It already did. I'm happy now.
Wala pa rin akong boyfriend till now. I realized love is not all about it. I was secured again by the love of my God. And I know sooner if it His willing, He will send that special someone. In the best time and right He feels that both of us are ready.
I admit na napi-pressure na rin ako. Or nawawalan ako ng hope, or nagku-compare ako sa iba...But all these are erased when I was reminded of God's love for me. I know and I believe in my heart He will fulfill His promise. For now, I just have to enjoy every single days of my life...serving Him and knowing Him more.
Sooner I know... He will come. Love will find me and him. Soon. :)
-end-
Comments
i did test waters, and I did some mistakes. But I realized that God wants me to give it all to Him first.
I'm a work in progress also. God knows I have a problem on trusting myself. But healing is constantly there.
As I said love will find its way when "we" are ready. And that time I will know, God wills it. And God our greatest Father approves it. :)
I attest to that ideal: Do not go looking for love, let love find you :)
Everything will just fall in their right places when that time comes. The challenge is to be willing to love, and be loved back.